Your Brain Isn't Actually the Problem (Surprise!)
Late diagnoses of ADHD, autism, and other neurodiversities are becoming more common in adults, especially for people whose symptoms were missed or misunderstood in childhood.
To add an extra layer of spice to that rising number, many folks are discovering they're neurodivergent during some of the most chaotic times in recent history.
Getting a new diagnosis as an adult can feel overwhelming, but for some people, it can also be a relief to realize that the brain you've been trying to "fix" for years isn’t actually broken or lazy.
The issue was never your willpower, your character, or your ability to "just try harder." Your brain is just running a different operating system in a world that wasn't designed for it.
When "Just Try Harder" Stops Working
You've probably heard all these greatest hits:
"Just set an alarm!" (when executive dysfunction makes planning feel impossible)
"Just try to focus!" (when your brain has 47 browser tabs open at all times)
"Just pray about it!" (when you actually need dopamine and a sensory break)
The willpower myth is particularly brutal for neurodivergent brains, especially since autism and ADHD are life-long conditions, but most of the research has focused on children. (And if you’re someone who was raised as a girl, the chances of a childhood diagnosis were significantly lower.)
For most of the adults being diagnosed later in life, the “just try harder” advice (that barely worked to get us through childhood) is completely failing us now.
We're dealing with increased sensory input, emotional overwhelm from our personal lives (as well as from constant horrifying news updates), financial disruptions, and significant changes to our routines.
Neurodivergent people’s nervous systems often rely on routine and structure to stay regulated. When the world feels unpredictable, things can feel especially heavy for the folks who are already navigating systems that aren’t built for us.
Late Diagnosis and Grief
If you're just discovering your diagnosis as an adult, you might be experiencing grief along with your relief. Many late-diagnosed adults go through multiple cycles of both as they learn about their diagnosis and reframe their childhood through this new lens.
First comes the relief: "Finally, answers! There's a reason I've always felt different! I’m not just lazy, life really WAS this hard!"
Then comes the grief: "Wait, I've been masking and struggling for HOW long? If I had known before, how would my life have been different? How many relationships would have gone differently?"
Part of working through that grief often involves discovering just how much energy you've been spending trying to appear “normal.”
The Unmasking Process
Masking in neurodivergent adults is a learned behavior used to conceal neurodivergent traits and appear more neurotypical. You may have learned to mask in many different ways to avoid judgment or discrimination from others.
Many late diagnosed folks spend decades perfecting their neurotypical persona, only to realize they've lost touch with who they actually are underneath all that effort.
Sometimes the mask is so strong that newly diagnosed adults are left questioning, "Am I really neurodivergent, or am I just making excuses for myself?"
If you've made it to adulthood with undiagnosed ADHD or autism, you've already proven you're incredibly capable. You're not making excuses. You're finally getting answers. And you deserve to be yourself, even if you’re not sure what that looks like yet.
Permission Slips for Your Brain
In case no one has told you, accommodations aren't "giving up" or "being lazy.” They're tools. Just like you wouldn't feel guilty for wearing glasses to see more clearly, you don't need to feel guilty for setting up accommodations and systems that help your brain function better.
Examples of Everyday Accommodations:
Noise-canceling headphones
Asking for company to help motivate you to get tasks done (body doubling)
Asking to receive instructions in a format that works for you
Scheduling downtime after stimulating activities
Using timers and external reminders for everything
The "But That's Not Fair" Voice
High-control religion, capitalism, and authoritarian parenting philosophies all have a message in common: suffering is noble and taking the “easy” path is cheating.
When you grew up in one (or all) of these systems, you can internalize a lot of harmful messages about not taking up space, not asking for help, and not making things easier for yourself.
As a neurodivergent person, your brain has incredible strengths, but it also has different needs than a neurotypical brain does. Using accommodations isn't cheating any more than a left-handed person using left-handed scissors is cheating.
Your Brain Is Not Your Enemy
Your brain that gets distracted by the bird outside the window during important conversations? That same brain probably notices details and makes connections that others miss.
Your brain that needs three different planners and still forgets appointments? That same brain can hyperfocus on something you're passionate about and create incredible things that no one else would have ever considered.
Because all neurodivergent folks have a different set of needs, learning what "the right support" looks like for your specific brain can be a bit of a process.
But every brain deserves to be given space to rest and heal, not just be forced to try harder and harder until they burn out completely. A little self-compassion can go a long way.
It Was Never a You Problem
Turns out, all those years of thinking you were failing at being human weren’t actually a “you problem” at all. The problem was with a society that only came up with one template for "normal" and then acted shocked when not everyone fit into it.
As you navigate unmasking and implementing accommodations, try to remember that the problem was never your brain. The problem was that nobody told you how amazing different brains can be when they're supported properly.
Surprise! You're not broken. You never were.
Getting Support Along the Way
Even though you were never the problem, the experience of growing up as an undiagnosed neurodivergent person has real, lasting impacts on your nervous system and experience of the world. Finding a label for it, even a helpful and accurate label, won’t make all of the years of struggle magically disappear.
If you're feeling overwhelmed by understanding your neurodivergent brain, especially while dealing with religious trauma or family dynamics that don't understand your needs, you don't have to figure it all out alone. Many of my clients are navigating similar paths and learning to honor their neurodivergent needs while healing from environments that taught them to suppress who they are.
If you're curious about whether therapy might be helpful, feel free to reach out for a consultation. I'd love to explore whether I might be a good fit to support you, or connect you with resources that could help. You can also find community through online support groups, local meetups, and therapists who serve the neurodiverse populations.
