The Body Stories We Inherited: Reparenting Your Way to Belonging
Have you ever been standing in front of your closet having a full-blown existential crisis about what particular pieces of fabric you’ll be putting on your body for the day? No? Just me?
Maybe you experience an annual panic about swimsuit season, or maybe shorts make you hyper-aware of how your body looks. The thing I've learned from sitting across from clients (and from my own journey) is that the anxiety you're feeling, at its core, might not just be about your body.
Often, folks struggling with their body image are also grappling with more complex issues of belonging and the stories they inherited about what it takes to be worthy of love.
If you grew up in a strict religious home or a family obsessed with diet culture, your body has been carrying these messages for a long time. And now, even though you've walked away from those harmful beliefs, your nervous system still remembers what it felt like to be told your body wasn't quite right.
Important Note: This post focuses on body image struggles rooted in shame and family messaging. If you experience body dysphoria related to gender identity, know that those feelings are valid and different from the body shame we're discussing here. If you're navigating any kind of body dysphoria alongside religious trauma, that intersection deserves specialized support.
The Messages That Shaped Us
The body shame messages most of us received growing up might have come in different packages, but they all had one thing in common. They taught us that our bodies were problems to be solved rather than homes to be loved.
Religious Body Shame
In religious households, we got the confusing message that our bodies were simultaneously God's temple (so treat them perfectly!) and the source of all temptation (so don't trust anything they want!).
Your body was holy but also dangerous. Pure but also corrupt. A gift from God, but also the reason you might sin. Throw in a few youth group lessons about modesty, and you’ve got a perfect storm of body anxiety that many of us are still unpacking decades later.
Family Diet Culture
Some of us also inherited diet culture messages from our families of origin (or society in general). Maybe you watched your mom step on the scale every morning with a look of dread, or heard your dad make comments about people who "let themselves go." Perhaps mealtime was filled with guilt and rules about "good" and "bad" foods.
You learned early that self-worth somehow equaled self-control, and that love might just be conditional on staying the "right" size. Even if your parents never said it directly, you absorbed the message that thin was good, fat was bad, and your value as a person could fluctuate with the number on a scale.
Gender Performance
For those of us who grew up in conservative families, there were also rigid expectations of gender performance. Bodies had to be presented in very specific ways to be acceptable. Girls had to be modest but attractive, thin but not vain. Boys had to be strong, but not too focused on their appearance.
And if you're queer, your body was probably seen as evidence of your "brokenness" long before you even had a chance to explore your self-expression. No wonder so many of us struggle with body image. We learned early that our very existence was somehow wrong.
What We're Really Looking For
Sometimes, when we obsess over our bodies, we're actually experiencing a lack of belonging. That critical voice in your head isn't really about the number on the scale or the way your thighs look in shorts. It's about the deep, aching question that so many of us carry: "Am I acceptable as I am?"
Seeking Acceptance
When you never experience belonging just as you are, comparison becomes a survival strategy. You're constantly scanning for clues about how to be "enough" because no one ever told you that you already are. The exhaustion you feel from constantly monitoring your appearance is one of the costs of never feeling safe in your own skin.
Finding Community
Even when you finally find a community that cares about you, you still bring all those old wounds about acceptance with you. Many folks find themselves comparing their bodies to other queer folks who seem effortlessly gorgeous, wondering if they're hot enough or cool enough or “queer” enough.
Often, we’re looking for the belonging that was supposed to be unconditional from the start. We try to earn through appearance what should have been given freely: the knowledge that you matter exactly as you are.
The Gift We Can Give Ourselves
So how do we begin to heal from all the harmful messages we received about our bodies? We can start by learning how to be the kind of adult our younger self needed. The person who would have parented us with love and said, "Your body is good exactly as it is. You belong here without changing anything. Your worth isn't up for negotiation."
The next time you catch yourself in body-critical mode, pause and ask, "What would I say to a kid who came to me with this worry?" Then say that to yourself instead.
The goal isn't to love everything about your body every single day (that's a lot of pressure!). The goal is to treat it with the basic kindness and respect you'd show any living thing in your care.
Practical Ideas for Body Kindness
Meal times without shame: Your worth isn't determined by what you eat, and you don't need to earn your meals through "good behavior." Instead, try paying attention to how your body feels and choose foods that make you feel happy, nourished, and fueled.
Movement as play: You don't need to punish your body into submission or prove yourself to anyone through exercise. Instead, find ways to move that feel joyful and accessible. Dance in your kitchen, go for nature walks, or stretch just because it feels good.
Clothing choices for you: You don't need to dress to hide, minimize, or apologize for your body. Instead, wear things that make YOU feel comfortable and confident, not what you think others expect to see.
Building a Body-Positive Life
Part of healing means surrounding yourself with people and influences that reinforce your worth instead of questioning it. This might mean unfollowing accounts that make you feel bad about yourself and following ones that celebrate bodies like yours.
Setting Boundaries with Family
Unfortunately, some of us still have family members who still think our bodies are up for public discussion. Here are some scripts you can practice for the moments when you can’t avoid hurtful comments from family members.
"I'm not discussing my weight/appearance/food choices anymore. Let's talk about something else."
"My body isn't up for debate. How about those [insert literally any other topic]?"
"I'm learning to appreciate my body as it is. I'd love your support in that."
Writing a Kinder Story
Your body might remember the harsh comments, critical looks, and the messages that it wasn't quite right. But our bodies are also incredible at learning new stories. With enough repetition and kindness, your nervous system can start to believe that you're safe, that you belong, that you're worthy of love exactly as you are.
You get to be the adult who protects that kid inside you who just wanted to be loved without conditions. You get to look in the mirror and see someone worthy of care, respect, and belonging.
You get to wear the clothes that make you feel good.
