Great News: You Don't Owe Anyone Presence This Year
For many former church kids, the holidays can feel like a high-stakes performance where your presence is non-negotiable. Everyone expects you to show up, smile, and pretend everything is fine, as if simply being there is the gift they're owed.
If your capacity for dealing with complicated family dynamics, passive-aggressive comments, and “fellowship” has completely disappeared over the last few years, that's totally valid.
Your presence isn't something you owe to anyone, not even family.
Capacity Check-In
Your capacity to deal with uncomfortable or emotionally draining situations doesn't have to look the same as it did last year, or the year before, or back when you were still going to church and having polite conversation with your right-wing cousins every Christmas.
The world has changed. We've all been through a lot. It makes sense that you might not have the same energy for family drama that you used to. It’s okay to change your approach to the holidays based on your capacity.
Checking in with your capacity means asking yourself some honest questions:
What do I actually have energy for right now?
What would feel nourishing versus draining?
What does sustainable connection look like for me this season?
"I won’t be doing that this year," is a complete sentence. You don't have to justify it, explain it, or apologize for it.
Connection Might Look Different Now
Maintaining a sustainable connection with others doesn't have to look like showing up to every family gathering or participating in traditions that don’t feel safe or comfortable for you anymore.
Connection might mean saying no to the big birthday party for your sibling, but offering to meet up for a one-on-one coffee date the following week.
For some folks, it’s going to look more like skipping your biological family's Thanksgiving entirely and booking a cabin in the woods with your chosen family instead.
Maybe hosting 20 people for dinner leaves you depleted for days, but having three friends over for a low-key movie night actually fills you up. Maybe you'd rather spend the holidays volunteering somewhere meaningful than sitting through another tense meal.
Connection doesn't have to look the way it always has in order to be valid. You get to decide what actually sustains you instead of what drains you dry.
What Actually Nourishes You?
When you start asking yourself what you genuinely want instead of what you're supposed to want, you might be surprised by the answers.
Some people discover they actually crave solitude during the holidays. After a year of people-ing and performing and managing everyone else's expectations, they just want to be alone. That's valid.
Others realize they do want connection, but not the kind that comes with judgment, guilt trips, and passive-aggressive comments about their life choices. They want to be around people who actually like them as they are. That's valid too.
A lot of folks land somewhere in the middle. Maybe this year, you want to:
Spend a quiet morning alone, followed by a small gathering with people you trust.
Opt out of the big family Christmas, but still show up for your niece's birthday party.
Create entirely new traditions that reflect who you are now, not who you were expected to be.
Give yourself permission to experiment with this. Try something new, even if it feels bumpy or uncomfortable at first.
The discomfort you feel when trying something new isn't a sign you're doing it wrong (and it’s not the Holy Spirit “convicting” you). It's only a sign you're doing something different, and your nervous system might still be adjusting to the idea that you're allowed to make choices based on your own needs.
When People Push Back
“Awesome, Jay. This stuff works great in a vacuum, but what about when I actually have to involve other people?”
The reality is that when you start honoring your capacity and setting boundaries that protect your well-being, there’s always going to be someone that has feelings about it.
If someone is having strong reactions to you expressing what you have capacity for or what you need for yourself, it’s often just their own stuff coming out sideways.
It obviously feels painful to have someone be upset at you, but remember that their reaction is only telling you something about their expectations or their need for control. It doesn't tell you anything about whether or not your decision is valid.
When someone throws their feelings at you about your choices, you can acknowledge that those feelings exist without taking them on as your responsibility to fix. Remind yourself to catch it like a ball they’ve tossed to you, not absorb it like a sponge.
You can practice saying things like:
"I understand you're disappointed."
"I hear that this is hard for you."
"I know this isn't what you were hoping for."
Your responsibility is to take care of yourself, not to convince anyone that your needs are legitimate. You don't have to defend yourself or explain your reasoning (even if someone really, really wants you to).
Connecting Inward First
Contrary to what most of us were taught as kids, resiliency doesn't come from pushing through discomfort and ignoring your own limits. It comes from knowing your limits, respecting them, and making choices that allow you to show up as your authentic self.
The practice of connecting inward first might feel strange, especially if you've spent your whole life prioritizing other people's feelings over your own. You might feel guilty. You might worry that you're being selfish.
Remember, these feelings don't mean you're doing something wrong. They just mean you're doing something different.
The more you practice tuning in to what you actually need and want, the easier it becomes to honor those needs without second-guessing yourself. The more you practice setting boundaries, the less energy it takes to maintain them.
If you're struggling with setting boundaries or figuring out what you actually want this holiday season, I'd love to chat with you. Reach out for a consultation and let's explore whether I might be a good fit to support your journey.
