Losing Control is the Whole Point: How to Let Go of the Need to Know
For a lot of folks who grew up religious, having the "right" answers was at the core of everything we were taught to believe. Memorizing Bible verses for youth group competitions, learning apologetics to defend against secular arguments, and knowing exactly what to believe (and why) were the ways we proved our spiritual worth. We were always ready to give an answer for what we believed.
I spent years as a youth pastor with a carefully highlighted Bible and a pocket full of answers. Need to know if that movie is appropriate? I had a verse for that. Questioning why God allows suffering? I had a three-point explanation ready to go. Dating dilemmas? Here, have a roadmap to biblical courtship!
But like most ex-church kids, I eventually realized that everything I thought I knew wasn’t really all that certain. This realization that you simply don’t know can feel disorienting and frustrating. It’s like you’ve suddenly lost control of the plot you had (literally) memorized.
Why We Cling to Control
High-control religion is appealing to a lot of people because of the certainty it offers. Every question has a clear answer and every situation has a biblical prescription. Life feels manageable, controllable, and safe.
There’s a built-in illusion of security that says, “If I just follow these rules and believe these doctrines, everything will work out.” It's a spiritual safety net that promises to catch us if we just stay within certain boundaries. (Or an umbrella of protection. IYKYK.)
Even after we’ve left religion, the same need to know all the facts or “be right” often stays with us. It was drilled into many of our heads that if you were wrong, you would suffer for all eternity. It makes sense that even after we let go of old beliefs, we still want to feel in control by being certain of what we know.
Letting Go of the Need to Know
Letting go of the need to be totally certain about everything, all the time, can be terrifying at first. But it’s also liberating. It’s like putting down a heavy backpack we’ve been carrying for too long.
For many of us, the journey of letting go starts with small moments of honesty:
"I'm not sure what I believe about that anymore." "I need to sit with this question for a while." "Maybe there isn't one right answer here."
For lots of folks, this process can be like learning to swim after being afraid of water your whole life. At first, you might just dip your toes in by questioning small theological points that don’t sit right with you. Eventually, you’ll discover that you’re able to float in deep uncertainty, even about big questions, without drowning.
On the other hand, some folks take a dive straight into the deep end and quickly learn to tread water out of sheer necessity. There’s no wrong way to approach uncertainty or embrace curiosity.
Finding Freedom in the Unknown
There's a particular kind of joy that comes from exploring beliefs without the pressure to reach the "correct" conclusion. When curiosity replaces certainty as your primary approach to the big life questions, everything changes.
When we let go of the need to be able to explain exactly why we believe what we believe or feel what we feel, we create space for authentic exploration. The goal shifts from being right to being genuine. And often, that leads to deeper, more meaningful practices of spirituality and self-care, even if they look nothing like what we started with.
Practical Ways to Practice Letting Go
Releasing our death grip on certainty doesn't happen overnight. It's a practice that gets easier with time. And it requires intentional effort, especially for those of us from high-control backgrounds. Here are some ways to practice feeling more comfortable with not being in control.
1. Make a “Live With It” List
Instead of rushing to answer a difficult question when it comes to mind, try just living with it for a while. Write it down and walk away. And don’t cross the question off the list when you think you have an answer. Instead, revisit these questions occasionally, and notice how your perspective shifts over time.
2. Practice Saying "I Don't Know"
It’s often easier to start with low-stakes situations. When someone asks your opinion on something minor, like how you liked a movie or what you enjoyed about an experience, try responding with "I'm not sure yet" instead of pressuring yourself to have an immediate answer.
3. Expose Yourself to Diverse Perspectives
Read books by authors with different views. Listen to podcasts that challenge your thinking. Have conversations with people whose life experience has been different than yours. Try to approach this new information without the intention to convince or be convinced, but simply to ask questions and try to understand.
4. Notice Your Response to Disagreement
Start to pay attention to the physical sensations that come up when you come across ideas that challenge your beliefs. Do you feel tightness in your chest? Are you having racing thoughts? Focus on how your body feels, and spend some time simply sitting with those sensations before trying to come up with an answer.
Note: If this one feels too overwhelming, you may need to step away and focus on something else until your nervous system has a chance to calm down. Be kind to yourself!
5. Build a Supportive Network
Connection is a human necessity, and it’s even more important when you’re learning a whole new way to approach life. Having a support network of folks who understand the particular challenges of religious deconstruction can make the process less isolating.
A Note on Neurodivergence
For some neurodivergent folks, uncertainty can feel especially frustrating. When you’ve spent your life carefully learning social cues in order to act in an "acceptable" way, sitting in ambiguity can understandably cause some added layers of anxiety.
Be gentle with yourself, take breaks when you need to, and remember that embracing the unknown doesn't have to happen all at once. There’s no “right” way to be curious. Practicing curiosity also doesn’t mean throwing all predictability and stability out the window! (And let’s be honest, you’ll almost certainly still know more about your special interest than 99% of people.)
The Journey is the Point
When I look back at my journey from a youth pastor with all the answers to a therapist who specializes in helping folks navigate religious trauma, the most significant change I went through wasn’t simply changing what I believed. It was that I learned to embrace my curiosity.
The irony is that many religious traditions actually celebrate mystery at their core. We were always told that God is beyond our full comprehension. Yet somehow, many of us were also taught that unwavering certainty in our specific theology was the mark of true faith.
Maybe losing control and being uncertain isn't a sign of failure. Maybe the growth happens when we stop trying to manage all possible outcomes and start embracing the beautiful mess of not knowing.
