It's a Wonderful Life: Embracing Found Family and New Holiday Traditions
Do you remember the devastation of not being chosen for one of “the good parts” in your church nativity? Or were you the kid who was forced into being “angel # 3,” even though you wanted nothing more than to hide in the back row?
No matter how you experienced religious traditions around the holidays, you probably remember some kind of pressure surrounding them. Former church kids can sometimes feel a little lost when it comes to showing up in new ways at the holidays.
How do you hold onto the good stuff while leaving the problematic (or just plain cringe) elements behind?
Separate Performance from Pleasure
Holidays in religious spaces came with a script. You showed up to the Christmas Eve service even if you were exhausted. You participated in family devotionals even when they felt hollow. You expressed gratitude for traditions that you actually kind of hated.
Because there was so much pressure to perform, there can sometimes be guilt that shows up when you realize you actually DON'T miss some of the things you thought you loved. Or maybe you spent a year or two fully ignoring the season, but now you find yourself missing some of the holiday warmth.
Decide what you want from the experience.
Start by asking yourself some honest questions. It’s not about what you think you should want. It’s about asking yourself, "What do I actually want?”
What holiday activities made you feel genuinely warm versus obligated or tense?
What traditions were you told were important versus what you actually looked forward to?
What would you keep if nobody was watching or judging your choices?
Try making two lists. One for "genuinely brings me joy" and one for "I only did this because I was supposed to." Be as specific as you want. Maybe you hate Christmas music but love baking cookies. Maybe you're completely indifferent to having a tree but you love stringing up twinkle lights everywhere. Maybe you actually loved the nativity story and want to keep it in some form, just without the guilt and performance attached to it.
There's no wrong answer here. This is just information about what feels good to you.
Permission to Cherry-Pick
A lot of us were warned about the extreme dangers of cherry-picking Bible verses while we were growing up. You either believed or you didn’t. You followed God or you were on the path to hell. But life isn't that binary, so feel free to cherry-pick the traditions you like and leave the rest.
It's okay to keep some elements that still feel meaningful to you, even if they have religious roots. It's also okay to leave it all behind. Figuring out what works for you is a process, and it’s okay to change your mind.
Mix and match whatever you want.
You get to decide what stays and what goes. Here are some examples, but your list will be unique to you:
You can keep: Religious music you genuinely enjoy, nativity scenes because you think they're beautiful, family recipes that remind you of good memories, the sense of "magic" and wonder without any theological strings attached.
You can ditch: Church services, obligation-based gift giving, religious imagery that makes you uncomfortable, guilt-inducing family gatherings, or honestly, all of your December obligations if that's what you need.
You can add: New secular traditions, game nights with friends, movie marathons, volunteer work that aligns with your actual values, or literally nothing at all.
If you have kids, you can focus on wonder, kindness, and fun. You can teach them about different traditions, let them explore what feels meaningful to them, or keep things simple and low-key. There's no rulebook you have to follow.
Creating Traditions That Actually Fit You
Facing a blank slate can be disorienting. You might find yourself missing the structure, even while you're relieved to be free of the constraints. Finding or creating community outside traditional channels can feel vulnerable, especially if you're worried about doing it "wrong."
But when you let yourself actually feel it, there's real joy in doing something that's truly yours. Not what your pastor said you should do. Not what your family expects. Just what makes you feel good.
There are literally no rules.
Your new holiday traditions can be literally anything. Here are some ideas to get you thinking:
Friendsgiving-style gatherings with your chosen family where everyone brings a dish (and nobody says grace)
Themed movie marathons (yes, Christmas horror movies absolutely count)
Volunteer work that aligns with your values
Travel during the holidays instead of hosting or attending family events
Game nights, craft parties, or karaoke nights with people who make you feel safe
Themed white elephant gift exchanges (Baked goods? Stuffed animals? Sex toys?)
Treating it like any other day if that's what feels right to you this year
You don't have to figure out your perfect holiday tradition this year or even next year. Try something, see how it feels, and adjust as you go. What works this December might not work next December, and that's completely okay. You're allowed to change and grow.
Handling the "But We've Always..." Comments
Guilt can hit hard when family and friends express disappointment or confusion about your new choices. You might feel like you're "ruining" the holidays for others just by setting boundaries. There's often this sense that if you could just suck it up and participate, everything would be fine.
But someone else’s discomfort with your growth is not your responsibility to fix. You're not being selfish by being honest about what you need. You're taking care of yourself, and that's not the same thing as hurting them on purpose.
Practice your boundaries.
Setting boundaries doesn't make you mean. You can still be kind, even if you have to be firm. If you really struggle with what to say in the moment, you can even practice your responses ahead of time in the mirror or with a supportive friend.
Offer alternatives:
"We won't be attending church, and we'd love to meet for lunch after."
"We're starting our own traditions this year, and we'd love to see you on [different day]."
"I appreciate the invitation, however I'm not available for that. Here's what I am available for..."
Keep it simple:
"That doesn't work for us this year, thanks for thinking of us."
"We're doing things differently this time around."
"No, thank you." (Yes, "no" really is a complete sentence, even if it doesn't feel like it.)
You can always leave early if you do decide to attend something. You can skip entirely. You can change your mind in either direction. None of these choices make you a bad person or a disappointment. They make you someone who knows their limits and respects them.
Your Holidays, Your Rules
It's okay if the transition from following all the rules to making your own feels messy or imperfect. You're building something new, and that takes time. You might try things that don't work out. You might change your mind multiple times. You might miss some of what was while simultaneously loving what you're building now.
All of that is okay. This gets easier with practice, even when it doesn't feel like it at the moment.
If you're struggling to navigate family dynamics or just need someone to process with during this season, I'd love to help you figure out what the holidays can look like for you.Reach out for a consult and let's talk about it.
