Navigating Guilt and Shame When the World is On Fire
Over the last few months, I've noticed a very specific feeling showing up for folks, both in my feed and in my conversations with clients. It's not just fear, or hope, or even rage. (Although those are all there too.)
What I've noticed from many people is an overwhelming feeling of guilt.
Guilt for not doing enough. Guilt for not doing it sooner, or louder, or better. Guilt for taking a break to eat dinner or sleep in while others are being kidnapped, hurt, and even killed in the streets. Guilt for not being at every protest, not sharing every post, not knowing what to do next.
If you grew up in a high-control religious environment, that overwhelming guilt might be coming from a very specific place.
Evangelical Guilt is Hard to Shake
If you were an all-in church kid, guilt is a pretty familiar feeling. It might have been called “conviction” in your old life, but the constant sense of not doing enough was baked into most evangelical churches.
Not evangelizing enough. Not tithing enough. Not praying hard enough. People were going to hell, and it was somehow partially your fault if you didn't do more. (Unless you were a calvinist, in which case… you had different trauma to deal with. I’m so sorry.)
When guilt shows up around current events you care about, it can activate those same old neural pathways. You might find yourself spiraling in a familiar way or feeling like a failure all over again.
I want to be clear that it’s normal, good, and totally appropriate to feel the urgency to take action in times like these.
But if the guilt feels HUGE (like overwhelming, all-consuming, can't think about anything else huge), that might be a sign that younger parts of you are being activated by old messages.
For some folks, the guilt they're feeling about not doing enough to fight oppression or protect their neighbors might be getting tangled up with old evangelical shame about not saving enough souls. And when that happens, it’s hard to take action in ways that actually make a difference.
Not All Feelings Are Created Equal
Brené Brown's work on guilt versus shame can be helpful when we think about “healthy” or normal guilt versus shame that paralyzes and overwhelms us.
Guilt is related to behavior. It's a feeling we get when something we've done (or haven’t done) doesn’t line up with our current values. When we feel guilt, we can use that information to make amends or change our behavior to be more in line with what is important to us.
Shame, on the other hand, focuses on identity. It's an intensely painful feeling that tells us we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. Unlike guilt, which can motivate positive change, shame makes us want to stay where we are and hide.
For folks with evangelical backgrounds, shame often connects to that core belief we were taught: "I am bad. I am a sinner." No matter what we did, it was never going to be good enough to earn our way to belonging.
Moderate guilt can help our adult selves check in and see if there are areas where we want to do more. But shame activates old wounds, makes us freeze up, and often causes us to stop engaging entirely.
When the Need Feels Bigger Than You
I also want to acknowledge that in a time like this, it’s also very normal to simply feel overwhelmed by the needs around us. There is very real, very legitimate overwhelm involved here.
We’re living in a moment when the needs feel massive and our individual power feels small.
That overwhelm is not the same as evangelical "you're not doing enough for Jesus" guilt. It’s an appropriate response to the state of the world combined with the very human limitation of not being able to fix everything.
Feeling powerless in the face of systemic injustice doesn't mean you're failing. It means you're human and the problems are genuinely big.
You Can't Do Everything (And That's Okay)
So how do we figure out if these feelings are guilt, shame, or just plain old overwhelm in the face of a really heavy time?
You can start by checking in with your guilt and asking:
“Is this feeling telling me something useful, or is it leaving me paralyzed?”
“Is this guilt connected to my actual values and what I can realistically do?”
“Is this old evangelical ‘I’m a dirty rotten sinner’ shame showing up in new clothes?”
“Am I trying to commit to new, sustainable actions, or am I trying to fix everything all at once?”
It's okay (actually, it's necessary) to focus your energy where you have power and expertise. You don't have to be on every front line. You don't have to attend every protest, sign every petition, have an opinion on every issue, and educate every person who's still figuring things out.
Finding sustainable ways to stay engaged for the long haul matters more than burning yourself out trying to do everything right now.
Welcome to the Discomfort
And if you're someone who's just now seeing systems of oppression clearly for the first time, you're potentially feeling the guilt of not seeing it sooner. That's not something to be ashamed of, but it is worth paying attention to.
If you’re realizing you don’t believe the way you used to and feel guilty about the way you’ve shown up in the past, here are a few ways to use that feeling instead of letting it overwhelm you:
Listen to people who've been speaking about this for a long time.
Make an effort to learn without expecting other people to do the work for you.
Don't center your guilt in conversations with folks who are actively experiencing this harm.
Your journey is important, and seeking support for the complex feelings you’re dealing with is important. Just remember to respect the fact that the folks who have been experiencing the oppression all along are feeling pretty tired.
If you’d like to talk to someone about the complicated process of deconstruction and the realizations you’ll have along the way, please reach out for a consult. I love working with folks at any point on their journey.
No Such Thing as Perfect Action
Whether you've been doing this work for decades or you just started questioning everything last week, I want you to remember that moderate guilt can be useful if it moves us toward action and growth.
But old, deeply embedded guilt and shame just make us hide and stop doing the work that actually needs to be done.
You're allowed to be fully human while doing the work. You're allowed to rest, to have joy, to not be perfect at this. The goal isn't a guilt-free existence. The goal is using our feelings (including guilt) as information that helps us act in alignment with our values.
