It's Not You, It's Me: When Reassurance Isn't Enough

Have you ever asked your partner for reassurance, felt better for all of two seconds, and then started to worry that maybe the fact that you had to ask is actually evidence that you’re too much, so you need to ask for more reassurance? 

Or maybe it seems like no matter how much you logically know your friends care about you, you spiral into feelings of rejection and abandonment every time you see a picture of them hanging out with someone else. 

If these kinds of feelings sound familiar, you might already know that you experience an anxious attachment style, where you are regularly on high alert for any perceived feelings of abandonment or rejection. 

Attachment Styles Aren’t Character Flaws

When you ask a loved one, “Hey, are we still okay?” it’s likely that the question you’re really asking is, “Do I matter, and can I count on you?” For folks with anxious attachment patterns, this question often feels loud and urgent. 

Just because you have this attachment style doesn’t mean that you’re “too needy” or “too much” as a person. It’s just the way your nervous system learned to stay close to an important person at some point in your past. It’s a strategy that worked to keep you safe for a while, not a character flaw that means you’re doomed.

If you’re hoping to change this pattern, you’ll have to start by understanding and accepting it. Shaming yourself into having a more secure attachment style is, unfortunately, not all that effective. 

No One Can Be Anyone’s Everything

It might be a romantic thing to hear, and it might feel like a true thing to say, but if we strip away the butterflies, being someone’s “everything” is actually a pretty exhausting place to be. And if you’re relying only on one person for your sense of security in life, both of you are going to burn out fast. 

Now, I’m not saying you shouldn’t have “your person.” Intimate relationships where you can depend on one another for reassurance and support can be a great source of healing for attachment wounds. But if that person becomes your only source of reassurance, you’re not healing your anxious attachment. You’re just putting the full weight of it on one person’s shoulders. 

I’d like to offer the reframe that if you’re feeling like “too much” for your partner, maybe it has nothing to do with how much of anything you need. Maybe, it’s just a matter of finding a few different sources of support and security that can help give everyone the chance to have their needs met.  

Two Ways to Build Secure Attachments

Build A Deeper Well

Reassurance from someone else can feel amazing in the moment. It’s kind of like a nice, cool drink of water. The problem is, if the well you're pulling from is a shallow one, that water runs out fast, and you're right back to feeling thirsty (anxious) again.

Building a deeper well means building your own inner capacity to feel secure and okay, even in between the moments of reassurance from someone else. This doesn't mean white-knuckling your way through anxious feelings and pretending they aren't there. It means practicing a few new skills, like naming the fear out loud to yourself instead of letting it spiral in silence, or checking in with what you actually know to be true instead of listening to your inner critic tell you that your partner probably hates you because they haven’t texted back yet.

I'm not saying you should never need reassurance from another person again. That would be a pretty lonely way to live. But the more capacity you have to get yourself a glass of water, the less devastating it feels when someone else’s cup is running low.

Build A Wider Circle

To continue the metaphor, even the deepest one can run dry sometimes. And when that happens, it's helpful to have more than one place to go looking for water. 

A wider circle means having friends, family, a therapist, or other people who can offer you steadiness when your partner is busy, tired, or just plain out of fucks…er, water, to give that day. Because no matter how amazing the people we love are, they are also humans with their own complex needs and experiences. We can’t reasonably expect that any one person will always be available to stop what they are doing and immediately reassure us. 

Now, you might be thinking: "But I want my partner to be the one who reassures me. Isn't that the whole point of being close to someone?" And sure, it is, partly. But even the most securely attached, disgustingly romantic, completely compatible couple you know aren't getting all of their emotional needs met by only each other. They've got friends they call when they're spiraling, family they lean on, maybe a therapist in the mix. No truly healthy person is out here thriving in a vacuum.

Building a wider circle of support is not a consolation prize for people who can't have "the real thing" with their partner. If you look closely, you’ll find that the people who experience the most security in their relationships are usually the ones who aren't asking one person to be their entire source of personal security.

One Thing to Try This Week

Next time you feel the urge to ask for reassurance, try pausing for one extra beat and asking yourself: "Is this something only my partner can give me right now? Is there someone else I could call, or something I could tell myself first?"

You don't have to talk yourself out of asking. Sometimes the honest answer is still "I need this from them, specifically." But sometimes, you may notice that you're about to automatically ask your partner for something that a friend, a journal entry, or five minutes of self-reassurance could've also given you.

Wherever You're Starting From is Good

If it never quite feels like you can get enough reassurance to feel secure, that doesn't mean you're "too much," and it doesn't mean your relationships are doomed to feel that way forever. It just means you've got a nervous system that learned one way of doing things, and now you get to learn a few new ways to help it feel okay. 

Build your own capacity. Build a wider circle of people who can help. Do both. You’re allowed to practice your growth imperfectly, one small step at a time. If you'd like some company along the way, feel free to reach out for a consult.